.. . . I shared my fears, I told another human being how scared I am. How afraid of loosing her I am and how afraid of hurting her I really am.
I had prayed for strength this morning when I woke, I asked for guidance, I think I was given some. The more I thought about it the more I know that I have to tell her about what I am feeling, she has a full load of her own problems and I don’t want to unload mine on her as well, but if I don’t share this it will turn into an even greater problem for her when I fall apart and take her down with me. She has to deal with an ex who wants nothing but revenge and children that are manipulated by him to cause her nothing but pain. But her worrying for me is way more damaging than being asked to help me.
The other thing that is becoming more and more clear is my need to embrace the program, to give up my need to control where exactly I fit into it, I need to go right back to the beginning. My failure to stay sober proves that I have not got past the first two steps, I get he first two steps. Then I get to the third and I want to hang on to something, something that has not worked something that brings me back to point of failure. I must let go completely. I am not in control of this, there is something about this disease that comes around from behind, when I am at my best is when I fail. When I am feeling the most confident it is when I am the most vulnerable, I know it, it always happens that way.
I plan to be at a meeting this evening. I would like to have the courage to ask Mike to be my sponsor, but again I am wondering if he would accept . . . . Which bring me right back to the stalling at step three. Am I simply hanging on to that thing again? Is it the fear of being vulnerable? I read somewhere earlier today that it is in making ourselves vulnerable that we make ourselves stronger. I think I need to do this……
And here we are a little later and no meeting, no drinking but no meeting . . . I tell myself I didn’t need to rush and stress, I need to catch my breath, fold my laundry and listen to an old AA speaker online. It’s close, I’m compromising myself. I should have gone. I’ll make a call tomorrow, I will.
