We all wobble…..

Yesterday I wobbled. Wobbled in so much I felt alone, a little weak emotionally, a little weak physically…. and my teflon coated (verging on phlegmatic) state of mind got a little frayed at the edges….. So let’s have a peak at was going on in my head to bring on this rash of instability.

• At the moment I am alone in the house, everybody except my dog and my 15 year old errant son are away on holidays, I chose to stay here rather than waste more of my limited vacation trying to negotiate my position with my girlfriend when her 13 year old son is close. Better to leave them alone and save frustration for all concerned.
• My work seems to lack traction…. I have been uninspired, unable to get things happening in my head, unable to beat down the distractions, unable to get it together all round. Frustration.
• A tad stressed by son’s behaviour. Ok so his 15, he’s his father’s son… I should expect this, but his vanity and his inability to see to blindingly obvious consequences of his lack of engagement at school…. Which he no longer gets to attend. He reminds me so much of my elder brother…. who I have little or no respect for… lets’s not go there that should be a post all on it’s own.
• Something as simple as not eating…. I haven’t really eaten a meal since I’ve been alone….   just sandwiches and bits & pieces from the back of the fridge.  I should know better.
• I haven’t run for a week. I was recovered from last weeks race by Thursday… very simple I should’ve run and got my fix. My endocrine system must be severely out of whack!

I really cant think of anything else that was off kilter …. nothing really radically wrong… so why yesterday’s momentary wobble? I’ll go with the food and endocrine theory, I know myself well enough physically to understand the results of poor balance. Note to self: eat, sleep & run! I’m glad we cleared that part up.

So as a result of this wobble…. I found myself feeling very alone and very much in need of some company. I think the company I was looking for was probably emotional more than it was physical although the notion of the touch and warmth of another body is always so so appealing, I’m feeling a little neglected on the sensual side too I guess. There’s a conversation to be had when she comes back, that would be the second note to myself. This need for company got me dressed, put me in the car and drove me back to a night club that I hadn’t been to since I was newly single about 10 years ago… almost exactly 10 years ago in fact. The name had changed, the decor had been tarted up, the clientele  had grown about 15 years younger (or could I be older), the music had changed…. but the sensation had remained essentially the same. I found a comfortable spot at the centre of the bar and watched the comings and goings. I did not engage in any conversation other with the Iranian bartender…. and I wonder now if I was really inclined to probably not…. I really think it was a change in scenery that was needed.

I was not alone as I wobbled….. again, somebody has been put in my path. A person who couldn’t be any farther away geographically, yet so close in spirit that it’s really quite uncanny. I have more than a couple people out here in the ether with whom I have found some affinity, some commonality….. similar tastes in stuff, similar situations, similar frustrations, similar desires. But this lady has given me goose-pimples a couple of times in the space of only a couple of days. Why am I so open to this right at the moment…. I had purged my FB, SocMe thing, but here it is sneaking back in. I’ve met a couple of people who I still appreciate from this… this site but generally the experience is such a waste of time and effort and the risk of disruption could be significant. I shall give this some thought.

Has the wobble passed? I think so…. I will get my act together, head for the market, get a  fridge full of the stuff I like most… fish, fruit, bitter salads, yoghurt….. and come home and play in the kitchen. I feel a risotto coming on, maybe even some couscous…. man am I ever hungry. I think the smart thing would be to post this bit and comeback and gather the other thoughts that “mijote” and commit them here… a bientot