last sunday afternoon…… waiting

A rough weekend in some ways, I am now at the point where I really don’t feel like touching her, its not that I dislike her, or the thought of her, it just doesn’t feel right at the moment. How do you disguise that feeling. I am drawn to the mailbox to check for the messages that aren’t there…… I suspect because she is also a bit confused and cautious. She is constantly on my mind, everything I do I ask what would be. Her thought, reaction, feeling towards that thing. I love this feeling but hate the sneaking about…..
A thought that has been floating around in my mind is that I wonder how my relationship with my children would have been if I hadn’t moved in, if I hadn’t mpoved into town. I miss them and I have so little contact with them, particularly my son….. Do I resent this, I think I might. And her son, he drives me insane.

my actions….. my responsibility

She said…… “Take care”, and then she said….. “Not to do that again” that being, to hurt any more people. And yet as she was typing the words I was repeating exactly the same thoughtless act. Never, never have I set out with the intention of causing anybody anywhere an atom of pain. Never…… But it really is my responsibility to care for the fall out of my becoming so emotionally attached to these girls, they become attached too, sometime less than me, sometimes more but more often than not the “love” is reciprocal, and it goes deep, directly at a vunerability that I seem to have a talent for subconciously detecting. I’m not looking for any of this but this is what I get….. every time.
So I’m listening to what she said. I am becoming aware of it….. but what am I going to do? Hide? I think not….. bury myself in a dark place where I control the lighting? this is my solution for now. I thank God for my running

my running, my addiction to endorphin

If there is any one thing that has saved my life, it is not a person, it is not a group of people, it does not involve 12 steps…… it has involved millions……over the past 3 or 4 years anyway, I have come to understand my body and its simple connection to my mind by means of of playing with the chemicals within me, by physical exertion to various levels. Running is my drug of choice and my self medication survival kit. What stroke of luck put running in my way? where would I be if I hadn’t fallen into? what would I have fallen into? When asked today why would anybody run to point where it hurt, to the point where painkillers and anti-inflammatory drugs are needed, I couldn’t answer. Well not out loud… In my head I know, I know exactly why I do this, I know exactly how good the feeling can get… I know that if I am not doing this I will be doing something else, I don’t know what…. something that calms my troubled mind, something else, maybe morphine based… I’ll take running. Thankyou….

my heart…..

Nine years ago, immediately after 14 year marriage ended I met my “partner”. I choose this word in preference to girlfriend, lover, spouse, whatever because that is how the relationship feels. A partnership, a uniting of resourses, a sharing of property…… I stop just short of calling it a business venture, but if it were it would be considered a success. We have accumulated wealth, property and a pretty comfortable lifestyle… . .. . We have been lucky too, timing has always seemed to be on our side, we seem to buy or sell at just the right moment, this does sound like a business.
All the while, in the back of my mind the tiny hesitation that almost, just almost stopped me from boarding this train has remained. I knew right at the beginning that my heart wasn’t in this relationship, not truely anyway and that the fireworks have never been present. I am sitting here typing this and trying to remember that moment when the hairs on my arms stood up and my stomach took a little flip, but honestly it never happened. I do recall hesitating.
Have I been unhappy where I am? At times yes, just briefly but for the most part I have been content not euphoric but not unhappy. I have had some wonderful moment even periods of what felt like some sort of completion, but the lack of true fulfillment never really left.
So back to the stuff, all the stuff …. The vacations, the cars, the comfortable homes, the toys, the renovation projects, it all serves to divert ones thoughts, now I understand the french word “divertisement” which gets translated into entertainment. I have merely been entertaining myself which I guess is ok but doesn’t really satisfy my heart or feed my soul on any deeper level…. explaining that chinese food feeling that I so often have….. never really fulfilled

So here we go…….

I have been writing this post in my head for months. This entry represents me trying to put a little sense into my thoughts, trying to save some thoughts ….. .. . . In what now feels like an important stage of my life or maybe how my personality is developing. Do these things develop? I do so want to write this down, why I’m not sure… I’m not convinced it needs to be shared or commented on but if its out there maybe somebody will find something of value within it.
Its raing hard, I can hear the water running off the roof and along the side of the house. A perfect day for the fireplace, Chopin and disappearing deep into my thoughts, but alas I have commited my day elsewhere.

testing testing 123

First encounter with WordPress for Blackberry, bored with Twitter, Facebook is for the birds…….going solo with my thumbs and my thoughts. Stay tuned!

We all wobble…..

Yesterday I wobbled. Wobbled in so much I felt alone, a little weak emotionally, a little weak physically…. and my teflon coated (verging on phlegmatic) state of mind got a little frayed at the edges….. So let’s have a peak at was going on in my head to bring on this rash of instability.

• At the moment I am alone in the house, everybody except my dog and my 15 year old errant son are away on holidays, I chose to stay here rather than waste more of my limited vacation trying to negotiate my position with my girlfriend when her 13 year old son is close. Better to leave them alone and save frustration for all concerned.
• My work seems to lack traction…. I have been uninspired, unable to get things happening in my head, unable to beat down the distractions, unable to get it together all round. Frustration.
• A tad stressed by son’s behaviour. Ok so his 15, he’s his father’s son… I should expect this, but his vanity and his inability to see to blindingly obvious consequences of his lack of engagement at school…. Which he no longer gets to attend. He reminds me so much of my elder brother…. who I have little or no respect for… lets’s not go there that should be a post all on it’s own.
• Something as simple as not eating…. I haven’t really eaten a meal since I’ve been alone….   just sandwiches and bits & pieces from the back of the fridge.  I should know better.
• I haven’t run for a week. I was recovered from last weeks race by Thursday… very simple I should’ve run and got my fix. My endocrine system must be severely out of whack!

I really cant think of anything else that was off kilter …. nothing really radically wrong… so why yesterday’s momentary wobble? I’ll go with the food and endocrine theory, I know myself well enough physically to understand the results of poor balance. Note to self: eat, sleep & run! I’m glad we cleared that part up.

So as a result of this wobble…. I found myself feeling very alone and very much in need of some company. I think the company I was looking for was probably emotional more than it was physical although the notion of the touch and warmth of another body is always so so appealing, I’m feeling a little neglected on the sensual side too I guess. There’s a conversation to be had when she comes back, that would be the second note to myself. This need for company got me dressed, put me in the car and drove me back to a night club that I hadn’t been to since I was newly single about 10 years ago… almost exactly 10 years ago in fact. The name had changed, the decor had been tarted up, the clientele  had grown about 15 years younger (or could I be older), the music had changed…. but the sensation had remained essentially the same. I found a comfortable spot at the centre of the bar and watched the comings and goings. I did not engage in any conversation other with the Iranian bartender…. and I wonder now if I was really inclined to probably not…. I really think it was a change in scenery that was needed.

I was not alone as I wobbled….. again, somebody has been put in my path. A person who couldn’t be any farther away geographically, yet so close in spirit that it’s really quite uncanny. I have more than a couple people out here in the ether with whom I have found some affinity, some commonality….. similar tastes in stuff, similar situations, similar frustrations, similar desires. But this lady has given me goose-pimples a couple of times in the space of only a couple of days. Why am I so open to this right at the moment…. I had purged my FB, SocMe thing, but here it is sneaking back in. I’ve met a couple of people who I still appreciate from this… this site but generally the experience is such a waste of time and effort and the risk of disruption could be significant. I shall give this some thought.

Has the wobble passed? I think so…. I will get my act together, head for the market, get a  fridge full of the stuff I like most… fish, fruit, bitter salads, yoghurt….. and come home and play in the kitchen. I feel a risotto coming on, maybe even some couscous…. man am I ever hungry. I think the smart thing would be to post this bit and comeback and gather the other thoughts that “mijote” and commit them here… a bientot

just a perfect day……

The title being a reference to the Lou Reed tune which is playing as I type, sitting in the car waiting for my next appointment. It is also a reference to how today has felt so far, everything has felt just perfect. Pinch me somebody, please. Staying in our favourite cheap motel next to the ski hill last night, puppy and I ran down the most perfect trail, grinning like a ten year old I don’t remember feeling more alive. Slept so so well and then the day just seemed to feel so perfect…. Is this really my life? Where did the stressed out, hungover struggle go?
Must also note the up north chalet project goes according to plan and my appreciation for my partner grows by the day, she’s the best, I shopuld never forget that.
Note to self: blogging on a blackberry ain’t so bad.

Sobriety in Motion

Ok ok I think I may have found a sort of solution to my lack of blogging….. And here I am testing it…. Is this me just finding another way to waste time or will I use it to track my thoughts. Damn you, Research In Motion!

another saturday morning on the sofa…

so yet another hard earned weekend starts with espresso, the sofa, radio paradise and the dog licking my toes.

All in my world is well, very well I guess. I spend way too much time in front of this screen lately it’s not a bad thing, most of it’s productive, most of it’s healthy…. and I do get a fair amount of satisfaction out of it, in another life I could’ve been pretty geeky. I like to think that I have become quite good with some of my work related software… and am fairly proud of the results that I can produce without too much effort. I have to find a way to do this without the rest of the company noticing too much…. their  perception is that I waste to much of “their” time on this stuff. My perception is, I donate way too much of my time in effort to fill a total lack of any valuable marketing tool s from the head office drones…. Wow, is that alcoholic thinking or what? On the subject of work…. It goes well but it just seems to take up so much of my life. It seems to be the dominant thought at any given moment, the thing that is foremost in my thoughts unless I am making an conscious effort to take my mind elsewhere. I don’t care for this but I am living with it and as long as the results are up to snuff I am not too concerned. The results are up to snuff.

Today is exactly 4 months since my last drink…. the beer [and a few malts... I don't recall exactly] in SF airport, I write this to remind myself as it seems like quite a while ago when in fact it is still very recent. I have been told a number of times that the 12 years of slip punctuated sobriety that I have cannot be taken away… this is true, I know and when I think about the 4 months I now have it feels nothing like the 4 months I earned 14 years ago. Today’s 4 months is a calm, reflective feeling… if I cast my mind back that 4 months all those years ago was a fearful, nervous hiding under my bed sort of state of mind. I pray to be shown the way forward, I can’t go back.

I bought a canoe this week, I booked a campsite in the Adirondacks…. I am going camping with my dog. I have mixed feelings about this situation, in so much as that I crave the outdoorsy part of my previous marriage desperately but I know that my girlfriend really really doesn’t appreciate that wilderness thing to any real degree…. she cannot be without the comfortable things. I love to get away from them. I will be lonely, I know it, but I will see if I can find a way to appreciate this weekend without having to share it. I find myself wanting somebody with whom I can share this part of my character. I am not looking for anything deeper [or maybe I am] but it would be wonderful to have somebody close who shares the same buzz from some of this stuff that makes me so happy…..

Ah well, my dog is at my feet sighing because he needs a walk and the rest of my weekend awaits… although the thought of one more coffee and another half an hour just here with myself is ever so appealing.